Scrub Scrub…..Then Consumed with Heavenly Love
You O Lord have sent your love upon me, not just upon me, but I feel as if I’m swimming in it. I am consumed and overwhelmed and speechless that HE calls me HIS. I know he has bucket-loads of love for me.
I remember what it feels like to be sexually abused by so many men. You see, I was sold by my own father to our neighbor as a sex toy. The images are so horrific. At that time, I felt as though I was completely trapped, I felt like a commodity, used goods that were sold to men. Big men, big hands and big everything. I was small, tiny, I had no voice, I was gagged. I felt so worthless being used by my own father and other men in our town.
I felt like maybe I could disappear, maybe if I work really hard I can pay my own way to get out of this town. To ease my pain, I would take a hot steaming bath as tears flowed and I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was raw. I tried to scrub myself clean from the filth left on my by those big, evil men. I thought I could scrub their rough touch away.
I ended up getting pregnant, but I can’t scrub the baby away. I get up every morning and I vomit. My mother got so angry with me she makes me clean it up. I continued to scrub and scrub, but it makes it makes me sick again.
I thought, does my mother know that it could by her husband’s baby? My pregnancy becomes exposed so they take me away to a clinic that’s 260 miles away. My parents are disgusted with me. They blame it on my boyfriend Mike, but my father knew the truth. He knew, and I knew. I locked that secret away and I scrubbed and scrubbed.
Soon after, our house became a war zone and violence began to reign. My father threw my head against the fireplace and he threatened me with a gun. Slammed, slammed time and again. I scrubbed some more.
I finally left the house at 18, the day after I graduated from High School. I walked the two miles with only the clothes on my back and I never returned. I hit the streets selling myself sexually for a meal, a place to sleep, and arms to hold me. There’s a blur of men; I try and wash it all away.
I ended up getting pregnant again with a man I so loved. He didn’t have time nor wanted a wife and a baby. He was on a successful career path. I ended up having an abortion, once again, scrubbing away my pain.
God to My Rescue
One night, I planned to take my own life. I was ready to end it all. I couldn’t scrub my pain away any longer. And, then, God shouted to me “I love you! I love you!” I was consumed. His love rendered me speechless and he put a new song in my heart. He replaced the lies my father told me about myself. I was redeemed the night I planned to take my life. My addictions, the men, the drugs and alcohol were now replaced with heavenly joy. I am wild with love for my Abba Father!
I knew at that time that I was to be the voice for the voiceless. For the women and girls that are sold. I will fight for them. We are to have the Lion of Judah within us to fight for them. The consuming love of God gives us courage, no more scrubbing. Our loving Father never fails us nor will he fail those who have been sold into slavery. He hears us when we call. There will be no more darkness, no more scrubbing. It’s time for us to start a love revolution for those who have been sexually exploited.